You live by the sordid, you die by the sordid...

Right. Deep breath. Apologies to Urban Dirt readers whom this post might fatally discombobulate, but I bring vile tidings from the languid backwaters of Tokyo's Roppongi district. It seems, amid these darkened and lawless times, that there are desperadoes operating in the usually idyllic square mile of mirth. Astounding, I know, but true.

Last Friday, in an open letter which threatens to splinter the once solid-looking foundations of Japanese civil society, the American Embassy in Tokyo finally blew the lid off a terrifying new scam. This epistle is little short of journalistic dynamite. For its five paragraphs of tersely-worded bureaucratic cant offer an astonishing glimpse of nascent perils and pitfalls that not one of us could ever have guessed at in our wildest dreams.

Certain bars and clubs, it seems, are run by people who do not necessarily have their customers' best interests at heart. By the letter's final, heart-stopping stanza you may never feel safe in a Russian-managed, Nigerian-touted lap dancing bar full of Colombian strippers and thick-necked Iranian bouncers ever again. Happy ending, Sir? Not any more...

The scam it seems, is that having been enticed off the streets by a beaming Ghanaian with ambiguous  promises such as "topless, bottomless, VERY good time, Sir?", some clients then find themselves in unexpectedly disreputable establishments. They enter imagining perhaps something along the lines of the Dorchester Orchard Pye Tea Rooms, but instead find themselves plunged into a Bosch-esque fantasyscape of earthly delights, where the only available exit is the door they came in by.

Few, at this stage of the sting, can be expected to muster the moral fortitude required to sense the lurking danger and turn around. So, inside these fraudulently-advertised maws of perdition, the US Embassy warns, some US citizens have had their bar drinks spiked. The same victims, woozily coming-to on a sofa or kerb, later find that exorbitant sums of money have been charged to their credit cards.

It's truly baffling, because throughout the ordeal, the delectable Maria Putanesca behaved as if she was genuinely aroused by the slobbering charm of Mr Chuck Dollar and his flimsy hold on a brokerage career. Why should they, or the affable Konstantin Slashitov working the cash register, possibly want to do their American guest any harm?

The US Embassy helpfully provides a list of the establishments where problems have been reported, just in case their names alone were insufficient to persuade prospective American visitors that they were no longer in Kansas. They include Ultimate, Exotic City, Seventh Heaven, and Climax.

Of course, it has long been clear that as the exodus of foreign bankers and their expense accounts grew more severe, the establishments of Roppongi would suffer horribly. The desperation was sure to rise and with it, I'm afraid, are the lengths to which the villains (and let's not be coy, these are utterly repulsive villains) will go to stay in business. I will, this very week, be attending the leaving party of a  man who has - both directly and indirectly - folded a prince's ransom behind Roppongi's collective g-strings. Imagine the fear pulsating through the accounting departments of Tantra and Marbles as the great man's departure nears. I understand the entire district is already wearing black armbands in advanced mourning for the commercial demise on the horizon.   

But the American Embassy's decision to highlight these dangers does seem somewhat late in the day. Here (for entertainment only) is what Urban Dirt (doesn't really) think may have happened:

1) Mid-level pen-pusher (MLPP) at the US Embassy invited to leaving party of departing Broker Titan (BT) at Lehman/GS/MS/JPM/UBS. He is pitifully grateful to be included in the dying Wall Street bonanza, though nobody is quite sure why he is there. Discomfort concealed with booze and bonhomie.

2) Party moves from restaurant to bar to bar to bar. MLPP now plastered and feisty. BT suggests a "cleansing ale" and final fling at one of Roppongi's finest lap-dancing bars. MLPP agrees with more volume than the rest of the group and with comfortably more confidence than his salary merits. MLPP only dimly heeds warnings from the titans not to engage Ukrainian twins in an hour-long "tag team" private dance.

3) Without any clear chronology of the rest of the evening. MLPP wakes up fully clothed, violently hungover and alongside his wife of 14 years back on the US embassy compound. The kids are hollering for pancakes, the dog needs a walk and Mrs MLPP urgently needs an explanation for the call she received the night before from Visa International asking for authorisation for a Y350,000 payment to a "sushi restaurant" called "Solid Gold XXX".

4) MLPP adopts an expression of pained dismay and asserts that he must have been drugged  and ripped-off in a credit card scam. In order to allay Mrs MLPP's scepticism, MLPP feigns vein-popping fury at the outrage he has suffered, cautions darkly against a similar fate befalling other unwitting US citizens and says he will take it to the Ambassador himself. This does not happen, but instead MLPP manages to get the embassy to draft a Security Notice warning of rising instances of the event described in the excuse to his wife.

5) MLPP cannot clearly remember the name of the club where the outrage befell him, so he provides the embassy people with the business cards of the 11 "Gentleman's Clubs" he was handed as he meandered around Roppongi Crossing. The contents of MLPP's pocket becomes the Embassy's official list of "Establishments where US Citizens have reported problems."

Comments

[Tom Hall]

Sounds remarkably close to the truth (apparently)

[Caspar]

Who'd have thunk it?

I read that in one continuous chuckle.

[pdickson]

Where is the full list? Inquiring minds want to know!

[pdickson]

Where is the full list of bars? Must have ...

[Leo]

The list is as follows:
Crystal, Bar Colors, Sheesha, Castel's, White Horse, Ultimate, Exotic City, Climax, Seventh Heaven, Marbles and Club 99.
The embassy says that the real number of incidents is probably "significantly higher" than reported.

[Rip]

nice article, Leo Lewis. Say - is that a pseudonym too? A stage name when reporting (or working) in above-mentioned establishments? Leo Lewis - Marylin Monroe - Sonny Stud - Alliterations Abound

[Ken]

Golly gosh, oh my~!....who would do such a thing?

[Aretha]

Roppongi has always been one of Tokyo's most, uh, Reppungnant places, full of creepy gaijin wannabes, gaijins whose singular interest in Japan is sex or a fast buck, rowdy American military who are not at all interested in Japan but were ordered here, Russian, Chinese and Korean whores, and of course the local yakuza, who seem oddly at home with the local police.
May its habitues stew in their own juices! And may Mori's megalomaniac attempts at gentrification continue to fall flat on their face.
Ja no michi... ja naisssukane?

[John]

Interesting to see the Embassy's warning has made it into this weeks newsletter of the Tokyo American Club...which then goes on to remind members that the Club's own Trader's Bar plays host to it's own selection of themed happy hours. Either the Club has changed since I last visited, or such "theme nights" are to be of little interest to those who visit the drink-lacing Roppongi nightspots...

[Tokyo Citizen]

It's too unprofessional and prejudiced of the Embassy to run these unsubstantiated information publicly. This might result in libel/defamation and obstruction of business as specific bars are identified by the name and the Embassy could be sued. The bars wouldn't drug their customers at the risk of business termination. Good citizens would not be victimized if they enjoyed drinks in an orderly fashion. The Embassy better have reports of actual damages or solid information of such cases actually filed with the police.

[OBM]

spot on. And just for you info:
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/travel_100/101b_travel_top_ten.html

I bet people get drugged at the number one lap dance place in the world as well, let alone at number 7 on the list... sheesh...

[will]

sounds like mr lewis (yes, it is his real name) has carnal knowledge of these places.....all in the best interests of journalism, of course!!!

[Jakob Nakayama]

Those poor people. I'm glad i have been warned